When I Say You Are Intimidating

A follow-up

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On Tuesday’s episode of Pantsuit Politics, I shared that I talked recently to my daughters about the fact that other people are going to find them intimidating all of their lives. Here’s an excerpt of that discussion—if you haven’t heard the episode, Sarah and I are in conversation with Jen Hatmaker here:

Beth [00:48:28] I was going to say it's just helpful to read those memories as a parent hearing some of those stories coming home now. I was thinking about you because I just had a conversation primarily with my fourth grade daughter, but my eighth grade daughter was in the room for it too and I was explaining to her in a way that seemed to kind of break her brain that she is intimidating. And it's just really important that she learned to own that because it's going to be a part of her life experience. And my eighth grader is like, yeah, I've been through this sermon too, and I get it. But she chimed in pretty helpfully to say this is my experience too. Big groups of friends are going to be hard because you are kind of intimidating. Things that you say that are just you problem solving are going to come across as bossy and overbearing because you're intimidating. And that is also what makes you an incredible problem solver.

[00:49:28] It is also what makes you this extremely gifted writer. It's what makes you funny, all of the things. And after that moment, I thought, "I feel like I have some of the words to wrap around this because of Jen Hatmaker reflections." I remember reading in one of your books when you described the different volumes that women present in the world and finally having this word mezzo to give myself. And so I think there's so much of that in Awake through these memories. Even where it's not prescriptive, it's like, okay, I have a sentence now about what this dynamic feels like. And maybe that will make it a softer experience for my kids to go through because we can at least put a sentence around what all of these hard things are that we're internalizing.

A number of people commented that they’d like to hear more about this, so I put these thoughts together, thinking I might one day share this with my daughters:

When I say you are intimidating

I mean that you show up in every room as the same person

I mean that you look people in the eyes when you talk with them

I mean that you listen and you ask questions

You’ll say “what does that mean?” when you don’t know a word or a thought doesn’t connect with you

You’ll share an opinion that you don’t need anyone else to endorse

When I say you are intimidating

I mean that you are willing to take responsibility for a problem

You’ll explore the problem instead of avoiding it

You’ll brainstorm solutions and

(here’s the real kicker)

You’ll decide which solution to pursue

You’ll make a plan and follow through with it

And if it didn’t work you’ll say so

When I say you’re intimidating

I mean that you will compliment other people

genuinely

about more than their hair and their clothes

You are willing to risk telling a person

that you notice something special in their character or their words or their choices

You like to tell stories, and you tell them well

You don’t mind being the center of attention, and you don’t mind when you aren’t

Because you aren’t calculating your own worth based on others’ admiration or approval

When I say you are intimidating

I mean that you prefer to be right but are willing to be wrong

I mean that you can make or take a joke

That you can laugh at yourself

That you can understand when and why others can’t

That you can understand and adjust to others’ needs without losing your own

That you don’t need to take up all the oxygen

That your presence has a gravity

When I say you are intimidating

I mean that you are at peace with yourself

in a world where that is rare and overwhelming to others

I mean that some people will want to be close to you for reasons they don’t understand

And others will make it their mission to chip away at your peace

I mean that it will be hard to have true friends until everyone grows up a little more

I mean that a lot of people will need you and then resent that they do

I mean that a few people will want you, and it will sometimes be hard to know the difference

When I say you are intimidating

I mean that I could not be more proud of who and how you are

I want you to change zero things about yourself

I want you to be kind and true and good

Without expecting it to come back to you

I want you to keep admitting when you’re wrong

I want you to stay humble and curious about all you don’t know

I want you to stay intimidating because I want you to stay at peace

I want you to bask in this peace that has come to you

from generations of women

who clawed their way through being intimidated

carrying forward to you the gift

of ease with your place in the order of things.