Your confession is so honest and so painful. I'm a retired pastor who burned out after 16 years in the pastorate and retreated to greener pastures (academia? well, no, not greener). I can relate to all you have said and maybe to worse... The stuff your pastor could never share with you due to confidentiality would break your heart too. (I don't know her, but I know the job).
Church is where we come together as a community around what essentially is mystery which is an inherently uncomfortable place. Combine that with the need to control, and conflict and hurt feelings — i.e., broken hearts — are inevitable.
Perhaps it isn't church that breaks our hearts. Perhaps that's part of what it means to be human. We come in with broken hearts, engage with others with broken hearts. It's too easy to judge instead of feeling compassion. It's too easy to judge ourselves instead of feeling and accepting compassion.
Thanks for sharing so honestly. Wish I had an easy answer, but there is none. Just stay open to your questions!
There’s an old quote, often attributed to St. Augustine without any extant evidence to back up the attribution, that I have appreciated through decades: “The Church is a whore, but she is my mother”. I spent about 22 years in Seminary. Almost 20 as a pastor. But I got mad at my mom around the inauguration 2017. I haven’t visited her since. I miss her sometimes.
This is really lovely. It breaks my heart all the time, too. But I keep going because I think it matters. And then I wonder if I’m being honest with myself. But I do love the idea that there are people engaged in this project of loving God and loving others all together.
Thank you for this. I used to be a church lady. I used to love it. It definitely broke my heart. I haven’t been in almost three years. Maybe someday I will gather those
I felt these exact feelings, but about being a public school teacher. When you really engage in an imperfect institution, it’s hard not to get your heart broken. I don’t teach in a classroom anymore, because I needed all of that heart and energy to be parent to my own child. Teaching changed my life, but it also wasn’t a sustainable job for me.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. I feel honored to have read it knowing it's so close to your heart. Currently church has hurt me so much I have felt pretty disconnected from it and I hope to have this level of connection once again in the future. What a beautiful reminder that it's what we have deeply invested in that has ability to hurt us.
Ah. So good and so true. And painful. I am a lifelong church lady and the wife of a pastor and church planter. I cry when people criticize him, which they inevitably do, and sometimes with very good reason to do so. I cry when they don't respond well to something I do or try to do. I cry because it can be lonely and you feel like no one "gets you." We stepped back after Covid and the racial reckoning following the death of George Floyd both put us through the ministry wringer. Everything was always not enough or too much. No matter what was said or done, someone was mad. But we love the church and the people of church and the potential of church. So now we're dusting ourselves off and preparing to fling ourselves into it again in a new context. And I'm both excited and scared because like you, Beth, it has blessed me and broken me. Thanks for putting that into words for me.
Thank you for being so vulnerable & saying some of the quiet stuff out loud - it gives us permission to do the same. I found myself saying “me too” to so much of this article. Sometimes I feel like church brings out the worst of me but this made me view that differently — I’m going to ponder how I feel about “maybe that means we are doing it right?” Thank you so much for all the ways you show up as your full self & share that with all of us.
All of this. It's hard work being a person of faith and a member of a church body made up of very human sinners. You're not alone in persevering in the work of loving others—as Christ loved and died for and continues to love us—and absorbing the pain of it as you do.
Your confession is so honest and so painful. I'm a retired pastor who burned out after 16 years in the pastorate and retreated to greener pastures (academia? well, no, not greener). I can relate to all you have said and maybe to worse... The stuff your pastor could never share with you due to confidentiality would break your heart too. (I don't know her, but I know the job).
Church is where we come together as a community around what essentially is mystery which is an inherently uncomfortable place. Combine that with the need to control, and conflict and hurt feelings — i.e., broken hearts — are inevitable.
Perhaps it isn't church that breaks our hearts. Perhaps that's part of what it means to be human. We come in with broken hearts, engage with others with broken hearts. It's too easy to judge instead of feeling compassion. It's too easy to judge ourselves instead of feeling and accepting compassion.
Thanks for sharing so honestly. Wish I had an easy answer, but there is none. Just stay open to your questions!
Thank you for being so vulnerable. It matters.
There’s an old quote, often attributed to St. Augustine without any extant evidence to back up the attribution, that I have appreciated through decades: “The Church is a whore, but she is my mother”. I spent about 22 years in Seminary. Almost 20 as a pastor. But I got mad at my mom around the inauguration 2017. I haven’t visited her since. I miss her sometimes.
This is really lovely. It breaks my heart all the time, too. But I keep going because I think it matters. And then I wonder if I’m being honest with myself. But I do love the idea that there are people engaged in this project of loving God and loving others all together.
Thank you for this. I used to be a church lady. I used to love it. It definitely broke my heart. I haven’t been in almost three years. Maybe someday I will gather those
shattered pieces and try again — 💔
I love it, so I have given it the capacity to hurt me. 😭 Yes. Amen.
“It introduces me to new forms of grief all the time.” That might the truest sentence I have read in a while.
I felt these exact feelings, but about being a public school teacher. When you really engage in an imperfect institution, it’s hard not to get your heart broken. I don’t teach in a classroom anymore, because I needed all of that heart and energy to be parent to my own child. Teaching changed my life, but it also wasn’t a sustainable job for me.
Love when my worlds align. Was a fabulous chat you had with the Cafeteria Christians❣️
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. I feel honored to have read it knowing it's so close to your heart. Currently church has hurt me so much I have felt pretty disconnected from it and I hope to have this level of connection once again in the future. What a beautiful reminder that it's what we have deeply invested in that has ability to hurt us.
Oh, Beth. What a tender, vulnerable essay. Thank you for your words and authenticity. Being a “church lady” is worthy. You give me hope.
Ah. So good and so true. And painful. I am a lifelong church lady and the wife of a pastor and church planter. I cry when people criticize him, which they inevitably do, and sometimes with very good reason to do so. I cry when they don't respond well to something I do or try to do. I cry because it can be lonely and you feel like no one "gets you." We stepped back after Covid and the racial reckoning following the death of George Floyd both put us through the ministry wringer. Everything was always not enough or too much. No matter what was said or done, someone was mad. But we love the church and the people of church and the potential of church. So now we're dusting ourselves off and preparing to fling ourselves into it again in a new context. And I'm both excited and scared because like you, Beth, it has blessed me and broken me. Thanks for putting that into words for me.
This is so beautiful. I wish more people brought all of themselves to church. It would make the community more authentic ❤️
Thank you for being so vulnerable & saying some of the quiet stuff out loud - it gives us permission to do the same. I found myself saying “me too” to so much of this article. Sometimes I feel like church brings out the worst of me but this made me view that differently — I’m going to ponder how I feel about “maybe that means we are doing it right?” Thank you so much for all the ways you show up as your full self & share that with all of us.
All of this. It's hard work being a person of faith and a member of a church body made up of very human sinners. You're not alone in persevering in the work of loving others—as Christ loved and died for and continues to love us—and absorbing the pain of it as you do.
I feel this SO deeply. xoxo